I’ve been intending to write about what, in these parts, is known as The Cake Story, but it just isn’t happening. Here’s something else, instead. I’ve been reading this book, and, on page 331, it says (that Steiner said):

“This fundamental mood [being filled with the "devotion that one develops in the spiritual world", which makes the child "give himself up to his enviroment by imitating the people around him"] is a very beautiful, and it must be fostered in the child. It proceeds from the assumption, from the unconsious assumption, that the whole world is of a moral nature.”

It is hard to say, but: if you asked me “what is it like to be you?” (a question I like asking, though hardly ever out loud; I’m not that brave) I’d have to say “well, all my life has been a fight against those who wanted me to believe that it is foolish to think that ‘the whole world is of a moral nature’. It has been a struggle to be allowed to believe that.”

If only I could go back to believing that. I think then I would be whole again.

I pressed a key to turn the screen on, sat down on the chair…

“Hey, boyfriend! Is it three?!”

Because, you know, I thought it was late, but not that late. I was pretty sure it was 1:47 a while ago, in fact.

“No. It’s not.”
“But! My computer says it is!”

The end of this sentence was uttered in a celebratory manner, because I had just realised the answer to the next question.

“You know what this means?”

A while ago (the 19th of January, in fact, but that’s a long story) the boyfriend went to a doctor. This doctor sent him to another doctor, which listened to him and asked him to come back with his mummy. Martijn did that, and the doctor asked them both a lot of questions. And in the end he said: Aspergers.

(Which we had known for a while, actually. Since at least August. And I was 99% sure by now. Still, it felt good to have confirmation. I discovered a part of me was worrying that I was crazy and imagining the whole thing. Not to mention that a lot of the people I had mentioned it to seemed to think so as well.)

That was a week ago, and I’ve been trying to tell people. They have, by and large, not been able to understand: mostly because they don’t know very much (or anything at all) about it. And I found I am not very good at explaining it. So forthcoming is a series of post on the subject — what (I think) this autism spectrum thingie is; why Aspergers is autism, even if people seem to be scared of the word; what it means (to this particular boy) to have it; what it’s like; why it is hardly the end of the world and yet, it’s not to be taken lightly; what not to say about it, because it drives me crazy. That sort of thing.

But first, I’ll have to go and celebrate my birthday. Excuse me while I go blow up balloons!

Ps Anyone who gets the popnerd-reference in the title gets extra points. By the way, that song is so autistic…

Despite our best intentions, we spent all of yesterday arguing. It was very bad.

Today I spent a lot of time talking about autism. I was trying to get the boyfriend to explain in his own words what it is like — and failing. After I finished explaining why his description would give people a rather different idea from the one he had in mind, he looked desolate. It hadn’t crossed his mind; he had no idea how to improve on it; and he was feeling told off, when I was merely trying to be helpful. “Oh well,” I concluded, “you can always tell people that it’s like the world is a test, and you don’t understand why everyone else seems to know all the answers.”

That got a smile.

(I’m back in Athens. In fact I have been for a week.)

I’m staying up, and I shouldn’t be.

I shouldn’t, cause this is how I end up unable to sleep: I start staying up; I get up later and later; I feel less and less tired at night; and before I know it, I am wide awake at 4 am each night.

I know all this.

But I can’t do anything about. Because in a way it is such a beautiful night, and I don’t want to let it go. It is peaceful and quiet. There is music and things to read. Candles. Dishes to do. A shower to be had. And did I say quiet? In that it reminds of the nights of my first Athenian year, when I was rediscovering the joy of living on one’s own: of being able to bounce to or sing along with a song without a second thought and cook whatever, without worrying how it would turn out. This sort of things seems to help me a lot. When I can follow my own rythm, I always feel I’m finding myself again. My long lost self, whom I have missed a lot.

Now if only she could tell me why she doesn’t like going to sleep.

Christ, has it really been so long?

One thing I hate: spring going away while you’re spring cleaning. I hate cold wind coming in through open windows, and dusting under cloudy skies. It takes what little fun there is in cleaning right away.

One thing I love: the sun coming back the next day. And going shopping. That is two things but also one sometimes.

And of course I will post something deeper soonish. Honest. Meanwhile, if you can, you should go and listen to this song, which I discovered because I decided to listen to ‘Naturaliste’ while cleaning. It is brilliant in every way, especially the lyrics. And the way they’re sung. Oh and the melody is not half bad either. And it is cheering me up… I do so love Mark Monnone.